does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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