He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
Randomize
