Betty ford says i'm here all night
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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