I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
Randomize
