Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
Randomize
