Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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