I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Randomize
