I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
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