Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize