Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Randomize
