If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
