Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
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