The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Randomize