The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
