mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Randomize
