on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
I don't deserve a penis
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
