what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
We need a shit load of segways right now
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
