Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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