Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
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