Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
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