He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Randomize
