You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Randomize
