I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
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