Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
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