we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
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