I haven't been this sober since birth.
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Randomize
