onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
