My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Randomize
