I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
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