mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
