I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
my shit smells like andre
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Randomize
