so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
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