How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
How's work?
Spinning.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
Randomize
