i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Randomize
