On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize