a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
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