You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
