I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Randomize
