He is fucking rediculously sexy. DO HIM NOW. NOW. NOW. NOW.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize