You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
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