Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Randomize
