I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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