Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
