Can Purell be used as lube?
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Too much gin, very little bucket
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
