I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
Tonight's Real World episode reinforced the well-known fact that men of any caliber can hook up with girls named "Crystal"
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
