You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Randomize
