Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
