I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Randomize
