I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
