Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
