Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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