She was not exactly lady-like. Down there.
youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
