your thong is hanging out like whoa
My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
