Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Randomize
